


Echo

by Celtic_Knot



Category: Hakuouki
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-02
Updated: 2015-11-02
Packaged: 2018-04-29 12:14:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,407
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5127239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Celtic_Knot/pseuds/Celtic_Knot
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Shoulders are a little too broad for his palms, but it’s close to a fit. They’re close. So close that every time his heart beats he thinks he hears an echo.  </i>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Heisuke overthinks, and Saitou helps him to slow down.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Echo

**Author's Note:**

> **Disclaimer:** I do not own Hakuouki, nor did I in any way contribute to its creation. All rights go to their respective owners.
> 
>  **WARNINGS:** Emotional sex, hurt/comfort, thoughts on not belonging
> 
>  
> 
> Set during Heisuke and Saitou's time with the Guardians of the Imperial Tomb. This will have a second part at some point, but both parts are fine standing alone.

* * *

 

His word always meant something to the Shinsengumi, but here it carries about as much value as a handful of dirt. Among the Guardians of the Imperial Tomb he is distrusted simply on account of who he is. No amount of reassurance will convince them otherwise. They call him “Kondo’s boy,” or “the little spy.” Maybe Heisuke had become too comfortable. Maybe his time with the Shinsengumi had lulled him into a sense of belonging that allowed him to forget exactly how rare that feeling is. And just how far he’d had to go to find it the first time. There is nothing of that feeling now.

Flopping back onto the futon should provide at least some comfort, but the blankets feel less like a hug and more like a choke hold. This isn’t the first evening he’s spent like this. Alone in the dark of this room that’s supposed to be his, but has driven away any desire he might have had to stake any sort of claim to it with the barbs of doubt it tucks under his skin. Barbs that sting and cut whenever he moves. He must be bleeding his misgivings for all the others to see. And once there’s blood in the water, you’re a target. He’s a target for Itou’s men circling and circling, asking the same questions with words woven around each other in different patterns. An obvious attempt at getting different answers than the ones they have received over and over again. They’re waiting for him to slip up.

Worse yet is that their fears are not entirely unwarranted. He is not a traitor. Never. Being an effective traitor requires a skill set he is most definitely lacking. But Heisuke has kept a running tally on the number of times he has fucked up, and coming here might just be working its way toward the top of that list. The Shinsengumi didn’t have all the answers, but he’s no closer now than he was then. So he gave up friendship and a sense of purpose, for what? No, he wasn’t wrong to question some of the Shinsengumi’s actions. Wasn’t wrong to try and figure things out for himself. Still, everyday appears less and less like an answer, and more like a dead end.

Dead ends are more than just a halt in progress, they’re a trap. There is no way out except back the way he came in. The way that’s filled with angry men who would love nothing more than to tear into him. Rip him apart to find the proof of treachery that they insist is there, and hand whatever is left of him over to Itou in search of a reward.

He knocks his knuckles again his forehead to try and stop the memory of Sano and Shinpachi calling him ‘Master Forerunner” that he insists on torturing himself with. Oh man did he run right into it this time. The only person here who hasn’t given him the distinct impression of ill will is Hajime-kun.

Though that is dangerous in and of itself. It would look pretty damn suspicious if the two ex-Shinsengumi guys spent all their time together, so of course they avoid being seen with each other. Even so, he’s starting to think that Hajime-kun has been especially cold as of a late. It’s one thing to keep your distance, and another to blatantly ignore. Well maybe blatantly is too strong a word. Hajime-kun always has an air of subtly about him that Heisuke is nearly jealous of, but thinks he couldn’t pull it the off with the same elegance anyway. Pain can be subtle too. And that’s what he feels every time he looks over at Hajime-kun and sees him turn away instantly. It’s pain with a cord of confusion that twists around him when he can’t seem to get within fifteen yards of Hajime-kun without him turning to walk away.

So while he is in complete agreement that they shouldn’t appear too close, this seems excessive. It’s really fucking hard when the one ally he’s got doesn’t seem to want anything to do with him. Harder still to try and close his fingers around everything he loves when he knows it will just slip through.

Shinpachi and Sano are probably still pissed at him. Those two don’t stay mad long, except in cases where they really care. Souji probably wouldn’t hesitate to kill him should he find himself standing in opposition of the Shinsengumi. He’s doesn’t think he could beat Souji for more reasons than just a skill difference. Chizuru had asked him to stay, and then understood when he repeated that he had to go. Her kindness stuck inside his ribs and leaves his lungs with less room for air.

Hijikata-san had been disappointed, frustrated. That stung him more than any swat or slap. Those blows (that he won’t admit to appreciating) had smarted with concern and bruised with acceptance. So many things he never got from his own splintered family had been wrapped up in what the Shinsengumi gave to him. Then things got a bit hard, a little confusing. And let’s be honest, he ran again. He’d found answers on the road once, but he’s not having any luck this time around.

And then there’s Hajime-kun. Who’s here with him. The most loyal guy he has ever met left the man he came all the way to Edo to support. Sure they seemed to part on amicable terms, but that’s even weirder. How could Hajime-kun leave the Shinsengumi without any sign of conflict or falling out?

It doesn’t really make sense to Heisuke, granted he has avoided looking too deeply into the question. Almost out of fear that if he finds the answer Hajime-kun will disappear from here, and he’ll be left all alone. With every passing day it has become harder not to think about it. While he’s grinding away his restful hours with anxiety and regret, Hajime-kun doesn’t seem to be plagued by anything of the like. There’s no jealously. Simply curiosity, and confusion.

Heisuke rolls quickly onto his stomach, yanking the blankets over his head. They don’t make as great of a shield against his spiraling thoughts as he’d hoped. They also don’t block out the eerie stillness of night that peers into the room like an unwanted stranger. He doesn’t have Sano and Shin’s company to drive it away with sake and laughter. So it lingers, watching him in unnerving silence. It gives him that prickling feeling on the back of his neck that goes with waiting for an enemy to attack. The craving for a familiar voice tugs his hands into tying his hair back up, and straitening his sleeping clothes into an almost presentable image. It pushes his feet toward the door.

Remaining quiet has never been one of his strong points. He thinks he does a pretty good job of sneaking out of the room with as little disturbance to the skittish quiet of night as possible.

Seeing in the dark isn’t exactly easy. But the trip to a door about seven down from his isn’t so bad. There’s nothing potentially hazardous to step on as far as he’s aware of. Although, he treads with extra caution because if anyone would trip over air at the most inopportune time it would be him. It’s not until his hand rests against the door he’s been looking for that he releases the breath he’s kept smothered in his lungs. The door weighs far less than the implications of sliding it open to slip inside.

Hajime-kun’s eyes widen with a faint flash of surprise that’s gone in an instant. The fact that he reacted enough for Heisuke to notice makes it clear just how much he wasn’t expecting a late night visitor. A flash of panic punches Heisuke in the chest. What if he’s turned away? It wouldn’t be the first time he’s been an unwanted surprise.

These are old fears though. Ones that are sent along the long road back to Ise by Hajime-kun gesturing for him to step inside and close the door. An invitation he gladly takes. It requires restraint that is in short supply to walk calmly to where Hajime-kun is and sit down, when what he really wants to do is throw himself at his friend. To hurl himself into that steady unwavering presence, and wear it’s familiarity as armor against the conflicting emotions that threaten to overwhelm him. That probably wouldn’t end well. He’s already imposing terribly, putting them both at risk.

His nerves must be pretty shot for it to take him several seconds to realize that Hajime-kun has been observing him with careful consideration until he appears satisfied.

Heisuke watches him put out the lamp, allowing shadows to dart passed where light had held them back, until the room is only lit by the palest breath of moon and stars. This is safer. Still he mourns the loss of seeing Hajime-kun more clearly. They have not been this close in a while, and he would have liked a few more moments to take him all in. But this alright. His eyes are starting to adjust. When he moves his hand to sweep his ponytail over his shoulder he thinks (hopes) his motions are a bit less jerky.

“Heisuke,” The tone doesn’t give anything away. It holds tightly to all the things he wishes were easier to understand, “Is something wrong?”

He nearly says _no_ , before he stops. That would seem particularly foolish. Hajime-kun had worded his question that way to give Heisuke the freedom of a choice. Not because he believes for a second that Heisuke is fine.

“Well um-” _Everything_ seems too big and not big enough. “I’ve just been thinking too much I guess.”

“Are you having regrets?” Damn. Hajime-kun is so direct sometimes. But also very thoughtful, sparing him having to make the admission first.

He shrugs. His shoulders are sluggish, one lifts higher than the other. He’s even out of sync with his own body. That’s funny. And terrifying. And something along the lines of frustrating as hell. “Yes and no.”

There’s a sigh so shallow that he nearly misses it, but the slight parting of lips is a nice hint. “I will help you if I can. But you will have to be more specific.”

All of Hajime-kun’s words are important to him, but it’s _help_ in particular that he catches on. Help is exactly what he needs, and doesn’t want to need. Choices are not all easy. So what if he chose wrong? That shouldn’t be Hajime-kun’s problem. By this point in his life one would think he would have outgrown this cycle of rushing in and backing out. Yet here he is, kneeling beside Hajime-kun, rigid with nerves and riddled by regrets.

These are heavy things that have busted something inside him, allowing this gnawing anxiety to settle into the dents. He doesn’t think his confusion is contagious per say, but the thought of dragging Hajime-kun into his mess is unacceptable. What if he tells him everything and then the other Guardians find out… He cringes.

“You don’t have to! I know this is kind of all my fault. Ok, it’s definitely all my fault. And you really shouldn’t have to worry about that, so I should probably just go.” Rushed breath bumps words into each other. Some fall down, others slide together. The end result is pretty much a mess, and he really doesn’t know what he’d been thinking barging in like this.

Trying to get up to leave doesn’t go as planned either. A firm yank on his wrist is all it takes to bring him back down to his knees. Hajime-kun can be really scary sometimes, the sternness in his expression makes Heisuke wish he could sink into the floor.

“Where is all of this coming from, Heisuke?”

“You’ve been avoiding me. I know we agreed to not stick around each other all the time, but-” He starts to trail off but Hajime-kun looks ever so slightly baffled, and the words start tumbling out again in something that will hopefully resemble an explanation, “I haven’t even talked to you in what? A month? So I figured I must have screwed up again somehow.”

“That is not it.” Hajime-kun’s voice is surprisingly soft. Almost apologetic. It makes him lean closer to make sure he’s not just hearing things. “I have had some concerns. But none of my behavior was intended to make you feel that way.”

Concerns are not the same things as regrets. Still, Heisuke is definitely interested in whatever he’s worried about. Hajime-kun isn’t the type to distress himself over nothing. “Concerns?”

It only works to solidify his unease when Hajime-kun looks off to the side before answering.

“The others have been quite hard on you.” It’s not pity he hears. It’s genuine care and compassion. Maybe a flicker of anger, but it’s always so hard to tell with Hajime-kun. “I thought it would be beneficial for us to interact as little as possible.”

“And then I come running in here to whine.” What should be a laugh is choked off by his attempts to remain quiet, and a blanketing sense of dread. The sound that’s actually produced is so rough he nearly coughs. “Sorry, I’m not making this easy.”

Hajime-kun shakes his head. Heisuke’s eyes focus on the way his ponytail brushes against his neck and shoulder in a gentle swaying motion. It’s easier than trying to look up at his eyes. There’s a sort of gracefulness in the way Hajime-kun moves. It reaches from his limbs into every single fiber of his being, right down to the ends of his strands of hair.

It’s really soothing. He thinks he could fall asleep easier if he could just watch Hajime-kun go about his nightly activities. Actually, it doesn’t even have to be that much. Just listening to him breath would probably be enough. Unfortunately, that would still be a really strange request. A strange request that he has no business making with all the answers he still owes Hajime-kun.

The slide of knees along the tatami mat catches his attention right before he realizes that Hajime-kun has moved in pretty damn close. He’s tugged back and forth between the urge to move away and to come closer. It’s a draw, and he remains where he is.

“This is no trouble.” These words take colorless breath and turn it pink on his cheeks. It’s the next words that require the closer proximity. Whispers aren’t particularly good at leaping across larger distances. “If you would like to tell me your fears I will listen.”

It’s a tempting offer. Hajime-kun does not shower him with boisterous affection the way Sano and Shinpachi do- did. He doesn’t pull his hair, or steal his food, or pat his head. And yet Hajime-kun is surprisingly talented at uncovering the thoughts and feelings of others. He doesn’t give away answers that are not his to find, but rather he wipes away shadows and fog until the search is not so frightening. He lends his seemingly unwavering clarity to those he considers comrades, and Heisuke is incredibly grateful for that. It would be rude not to take him up on such a generous offer.

“I don’t regret questioning Kondo-san, and the direction the Shinsengumi is going.” He pauses. His thoughts are jumpy tonight. “But I guess I regret throwing away what I had at with the Shinsengumi for Itou’s ideals. Because they aren’t as close to my own as I thought…”

“Do you wish to leave here?” The question is spoken evenly. Careful not to tip him in favor of any one answer.

“I don’t think so? I brought Itou to the Shinsengumi. And I decided to leave with him.” The next words cling to the roof of his mouth. He has to press his palms into the floor to gain enough leverage to force them out. “I can’t leave just yet. At least not until I know a little more… I’ve done more than my share of bailing out.”

“You never showed any lack of commitment to the Shinsengumi. A desire to follow your beliefs is not a betrayal.” This is fact. Hajime-kun’s hand falling on his knee doesn’t allow room for the questions his mind is so talented at binding around his heart. “So I must assume you are speaking of your life prior to when we met.”

His old home is not exactly a favorite topic. More than once he’s dodged questions about it from the guys. Telling them he’s a bastard had been easy. That word has been used as a label for him for so long now that it’s lost its sting. Besides that, it’s accurate. Can’t be too mad at people for pointing out facts, however crudely. It’s the identity of his father in particular that he keeps quiet on.

He’s sick of his old man fucking him over without even having to acknowledge his existence. He thinks Hajime-kun has a pretty good idea of where he comes from, but that’s not relevant at this moment. They’re discussing his decision to leave there. Being born somewhere isn’t your choice, packing up and leaving it behind definitely is.

“I just made a bunch of not so great decisions. Stupid stuff.” Heisuke offers a strained smile. The muscles in his face ache a little. “And I wasn’t exactly well liked. So I took off without really telling anyone.”

“There’s more. I won’t push you.”

“It’s not that I don’t trust you.” Heisuke grabs Hajime-kun’s wrist. He probably squeezes tighter than strictly necessary, but Hajime-kun makes no attempt to remove his grasp. “It just stopped mattering once I got to Shieikan. So I never really bothered to talk about it.”

“I understand.” There’s a small smile that starlight seems to gravitate towards, pulled in by the same desire as Heisuke to see Hajime-kun’s expression lit up. It falls away with the weight of thoughtfulness sliding from eyes down to his mouth. “Heisuke, if the Guardians are not where your beliefs lie, that does not mean you have failed.”

There are so many things that Hajime-kun understands, aren’t there? Still, the logic of his second statement is foggy to Heisuke. The coldness of that haze makes him shiver. They seem to be defining ‘failure’ differently.

“I can accept that maybe I have to keep looking for answers,” Choosing words comes with a daunting amount of responsibility. Pick the wrong one and the whole pile of them can collapse, “but I can’t accept that I put everyone else through that for nothing.”

And that’s where he has to draw the line. Regretting decisions is not new or strange. But he has to see this all the way through, even if he can’t see any light at the end of tunnel. Because even more important than honoring his own convictions, is taking responsibility for how his actions have affected others.

He _knows_ if he went back to the Shinsengumi now Hijikata-san would chew him out something fierce, but he’d take him back. Souji would take some time to warm back up to him. He takes ‘abandoning’ Kondo-san very seriously. Sano and Shinpachi would bust on him for a couple of weeks, and then it would be back to the way they have always been. Chizuru would forgive him instantly, bury his guilt with hugs and smiles.

But then he would have hurt them for no reason other than his indecisiveness. That’s not fair. It’s really pathetic that he’s created this trap himself, and still doesn’t know how to get out without losing something valuable in the process. It’s so exhausting to think about that it begins to fold him into himself. Knees drawing toward his chest, head dropping down.

“You must know they would be happy to have you back.” Heisuke gasps as Hajime-kun sweeps his bangs away in search of a clearer view of his eyes. He doesn’t really mind being touched. Hajime-kun is gentle, and the coolness of his fingers feels pretty nice. It’s the careful kindness that makes him a little tender to the touch.

“Yeah. But then who’d look out for you?” It’s supposed to be a joke. He’s always been better at them than Souji, at least. This one doesn’t work nearly the way he intended. It’s not funny. He sounds more concerned than amused despite his best efforts to inject humor.

Hajime-kun favors him with a quiet sort of laugh anyway. “You don’t need to concern yourself with me.”

“I tried to tell you the same thing, and you ignored me.” It’s not an accusation. Just an observation that curiosity and lack of sleep has robbed him of the sense to filter.

“You have not been yourself. My concerns are justified, yours are hypothetical.”

Hajime-kun doesn’t wait for him to respond before turning to arrange his bedding. It’s always fascinated Heisuke how every single motion Hajime-kun makes is so precise. Never any clumsy doubt or jolting nerves. He runs his hands in firm sweeping motions to smooth out the blankets before he folds them back with an exact crease. It makes Heisuke smile to himself at the care Hajime-kun takes with the smallest of things.

His musings are interrupted by a soft patting sound, and Hajime-kun glancing over at him with a definite air of expectation. Heisuke is not particularly bad at puzzles, but he’s definitely at a loss here. The pieces don’t fit quite right, and he’s afraid of trying to push too hard to snap them together. If Hajime-kun is ready to go to sleep he should probably get out of here and let him rest.

But his expression isn’t reading as ‘get out.’ Although, that could just be Heisuke’s own hopes projected onto Hajime-kun’s face. Tilting his head to try to gain a better perspective doesn’t help much. The angles are just as confusing now as they were to begin with. His unease must show in the way he reaches up to the back of his neck because Hajime-kun decides to spell it out for him.

“Are you going to join me?”

“What do you- Wait, what?” Bewilderment muddles thoughts into sputtering words.

“It’s obvious you have not been sleeping well in your own bed. This might help.” Hajime-kun watches him unflinchingly. It’s not a joke. It never is with Hajime-kun. Every offer is sincere, and asks nothing in return.

He won’t bother to dispute the claim about his lack of rest. He’s seen himself in the mirror recently. It’s not exactly a face he’s proud of.

“Are you sure? If I still can’t sleep, I might end up keeping you up.”

“I can afford to miss a night.” Again he pats the futon.

The energy it would take to refuse just isn’t there. He’s slept in the same bed (ok, pile) as Sano and Shinpachi, technically this shouldn’t be much different. But it is. Because he’s sober. Because it’s Hajime-kun. And because this isn’t convenience or accident, it’s an offering. One he’s more than a little relieved by once he swallows his nerves down.

The blankets are the same standard ones that are on his own bed, but sliding under them drapes the smell of Hajime-kun around him. It’s comforting. He turns his face into them and inhales. Words don’t match instantly to the scent. He has to go looking for them. It’s kind of like that crisp air right before fall collapses into winter. Even that doesn’t quite explain it, but it’s as close as he’ll get.

Logically, he had known that Hajime-kun would be getting into the futon _with_ him. He still freezes precisely when that moment comes. Hajime-kun tucks the blankets around them, and damn this is really happening. There’s something about being in bed with someone that will always feel like an act of trust no matter the context. It’s not one way.

Hajime-kun is trusting him too. That feels nice enough that his limbs thaw out until his rigidness melts into relaxation. It’s not perfect. The back of his mind keeps trying to remind him that this is risky. If they get caught like this, well it won’t be good. Despite his mind’s warnings, this is the safest he’s felt in a while. Maybe it’s naïve, but he thinks with Hajime-kun here he’s not in nearly as much danger of being stabbed in his dreams (or otherwise).

This futon isn’t really meant for two people. It’s slightly awkward trying to adjust himself so that he gives Hajime-kun enough space. It sort of requires that the blankets leave some of his back exposed. There’s a slight chill in the air, but with two people he expects that it will warm up fairly quickly. There’s already a warmth curling around him that was absent in his own bed.

Hajime-kun tugs him in closer, dragging the covers up to protect all of him. It catches him off guard, yet there’s no roughness in the motions. The hands on his shoulder and back are firm but not bruising. Being tucked up so closely against Hajime-kun blocks his vision of everything but his comrade.

It’s really great. He can pretend that they’re back with the Shinsengumi, or anywhere else that isn’t here. He can pretend that he has something to offer in return that’s worth what he’s being given.

Closing his eyes doesn’t bring the usual images of blades stuck into backs, or goodbyes given but not received. There’s no memories of Ise playing mirror to his mistakes of the present. He doesn’t hear Shin yelling at him, or Hijikata-san sighing. For the first time since he came to this snake nest he should be able to rest peacefully. There’s nothing stopping him with Hajime-kun here to keep his mind quiet.

Heisuke has never been that lucky though. Sleep is a habitual creature. It grows bitter when you break its cycle too often. No, sleep wants nothing to do with him now. Acting has never been a skill he’s given any time to, but maybe if he fakes it long enough he’ll actually fall asleep.

Deconstructing the whole process is strange. Telling his eyes to close, and stay that way. Reminding each individual muscle to let go of that aching tension, if only for a few hours. Asking his lungs to inhale to same steady beat he imagines his heart slowing to. Envisioning these things is easy enough, but his body responds halfheartedly. It still remembers too well that this is not home, and that being held in contempt hidden behind acceptance is not an embrace meant for comfort.

“Heisuke, you’re still restless.” Hajime-kun is clear even when whispering. His name sounds pretty nice like that.

“Only a little. I’ll be fine.” He doesn’t think it’s a terrible job at reassurance. Maybe a little too fast, not level enough. It’s an honest effort, though not enough to convince Hajime-kun.

A hand runs up his arm with careful slowness. Fingers run along muscles and ligaments up to his shoulder. He congratulates himself for suppressing a shiver. “Your muscles are tight.”

“Oh yeah, I just didn’t stretch enough before training.” Really Hajime-kun’s protective streak reminds him of Hajikata-san, and there’s that homesickness again. Coiling up in his stomach, and pricking his throat. The problem with telling homesickness to go away is that is won’t leave until you go with it.

“This is not that kind of tension.” Hajime-kun can be pretty challenging to read, but he’s trying to make it easier for Heisuke. Some of those locks and puzzles are coming undone with purposeful consideration. “Will you allow me to help you?”

“You’ve done a lot already, Hajime-kun. “

“It hasn’t been that much.”

Receiving is hard. So often you open up a gift to find debt or obligation. That has never really seemed to be a concern with Hajime-kun. He gives because he wants to do. Heisuke’s not sure he’s ready to accept something too expensive. Hajime-kun may be withstanding Itou’s men better than him, but he’s not entirely unscathed. They say things about Hajime-kun too, just not to his face.

Words hurled by decidedly slimy guys aren’t all that powerful. Mud is messy, not lethal. Still, having it slung at you day after day is tiring. It gets harder and harder to wash it off. Every layer seems to leave a little more grit behind. So Heisuke needs to be sure he won’t be taking more than Hajime-kun can afford to give.

“Why?”

“You are a comrade, a friend. Someone who is open and trustworthy.” Hajime-kun does not use the term _comrade_ lightly, _friend_ is even heavier. He pauses and Heisuke waits. Of course he waits. “I do not want to see that ruined.”

Damn it. This is what he has missed so much that it aches, feeling as though he is valuable to someone. That his existence is something those around him are at least generally glad of. For Hajime-kun to say that about him, wow. It’s a little hard to take in. Hajime-kun tends to keep those types of thoughts under wraps.

For him to actually be willing to share that with Heisuke… He needs this too. Whatever he’s offering is something too large to keep to himself. It needs to be shared. There’s no better way to thank Hajime-kun for what he’s done than to let him keeping helping. Giving by receiving. It doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, but for once he won’t let himself overthink it.

“Ok.” A single syllable is easy to give, almost as easy as trusting Hajime-kun.

“Thank you.”

It’s difficult to make out first, the darkness is thick, but there’s relief on Hajime-kun’s face. Emotions are there. People have said Hajime-kun is cold, but they’re just not looking hard enough. The first glance may be filled with intimidating stoicism, but it gives way. Keep looking, and stone crumbles in favor of glass fogged up by whispers of thoughts and emotions. They’re there, without a doubt. Every once in a while, Hajime-kun wipes that concealing condensation away. It’s really beautiful when he does.

Heisuke’s not sure what Hajime-kun has in mind for ‘help.’ He definitely gets a better idea when he’s guided onto his back, and followed down by Hajime-kun until he can taste the pale flavor of all the conversations they haven’t had on his breath.

Hajime-kun is watching him, still holding something back. Maybe he’s waiting for permission? Heisuke definitely doesn’t trust his voice. His words have gotten him into trouble before. His hands don’t have a perfect track record either, but they’re better. Laying one hand on the back of Hajime-kun’s neck seems to do the trick. His thumb traces a small circle, he applies no further force. It’s entirely Hajime-kun’s own doing when he dips forward to kiss Heisuke.

It’s more of a tease than a kiss. Pulling his breath away with the slide of lips. If he wasn’t sure how much Hajime-kun was going to be able to help him, he is now. He has barely done anything yet, and already Heisuke can feel his pulse starting to hammer away at all the regrets that have tried to build a home in his mind. Hajime-kun is pretty amazing. And maybe that’s what keeps him from being as nervous as he probably should be given the unfamiliarity of this situation. They trust one another. New actions don’t feel foreign. They’re just another way to give physical life to that trust and respect.

If the first kiss was a tease, the second is satisfaction. Patient, and meticulous. It lights his veins with something that nearly makes him shake. And while Hajime-kun doesn’t have a strong flavor, he does sort of taste like the memory of Heisuke’s first time catching snowflakes on his tongue at Shieikan. Each one unique and refreshing before melting away. Only now it’s not melting away so much as it’s melting together.

The pressure of lips, and the twisting of a tongue around his are really great. He’s not sure where Hajime-kun learned to kiss like this. He doesn’t care. There’s too many other things to focus on. Like where to put his hands, and whether air is really all that necessary. His hands seem to decide on a waist as a good starting point. His lungs aren’t amused by his attempts to deny them, and he’s forced to pull away with a gasp.

Heisuke doesn’t realize he’s smiling until Hajime-kun traces his lips with his finger. There are so many things to learn about himself by giving them away.

This time he does pull Hajime-kun down to him, not that he has to pull hard.

Kissing Hajime-kun this way is nothing he had ever considered for himself. This is fine. More than fine actually. Nipping at Hajime-kun’s lips is fun too. Not hard enough to draw blood, just a gentle pull that causes breath to catch on a staccato rhythm that bleeds into the stillness around them. Maybe there would have been a moment of pride at drawing such sounds were he lying with anyone else. But with Hajime-kun it’s nothing but quiet amazement at the way where they’re going now makes where they’ve been tumble away.

His entire future seems to center itself around the spots where Hajime-kun leaves light open-mouth kisses along his throat.

He leans his head back to give him more room to work. The results are more than pleasant. Those lips make it all the back way up to the underside of his jaw, the softness of each individual press of lips and graze of teeth is too light on its own. But they build. Gosh do they build, each one falling just close enough to the pervious one that it vibrates off of lingering ripples of sensation.

Heisuke’s entire neck is covered in a web of Hajime-kun’s careful ministrations, and it’s hard to take. Hard to keep himself from doing more than gasping. It’s not that he doesn’t want Hajime-kun to hear him, it’s all those other ears around who he won’t allow to hear things not intended for them.

His own hair has never been all that exciting, but he’s almost nervous when he reaches to untie Hajime-kun’s. There never seems to be a hair out place on Hajime-kun, and disturbing his usual appearance seems like such a privilege that it makes Heisuke’s fingers clumsy with responsibility. After two or three failed attempts he gets he tie loose. Hajime-kun’s hair is perfect for grabbing onto. For threading between his fingers, and using to keep himself grounded when he starts he’s own exploration. So many things draw his senses off in different directions, it would be easy to get lost.

But he has a goal, and goals make good maps. He kisses Hajime-kun’s cheek, his nose, his chin, and finally his temple where lips give way to a small amount of teeth. Interesting how these tender gestures seem to leave him even more winded than Hajime-kun, who pulls their joined hands to his lips.

Watching Hajime-kun trace between his knuckles with the lightest touch of tongue is a lot. It’s overwhelming even. The ache only intensifies when his fingers are spread and lips greet his palm, before introducing themselves to his wrist. His pulse jumps at Hajime-kun, and is rewarded for its enthusiasm. His hand is tugged until his arm stretches to where to Hajime-kun can start to kiss along his forearm, all the way to the inside of his elbow. The skin there is soft, the way Hajime-kun looks at him is softer.

That expression warms him until he’s bubbling with something that could be a laugh as easily as a sob. His life hasn’t been perfect, certainly not. He has screwed up so many fucking times. Has disappointed himself, and others. Hell, his first day on earth had found him with shame and disappointment. And Hajime-kun doesn’t care. Just like Heisuke doesn’t care about any of the idiots who called Hajime-kun a cheater, or a murderer.

And that’s why _this_ is perfect. They’re worth everything little thing they hand to each other.

It’s these pleasant thoughts that keep him distracted until Hajime-kun’s hands release his in favor of the tie of his yukata. Oh. Of course he had known where they were going, his bones had been dripping in anticipation from the heat of it. But suddenly it’s not something they’re heading towards, rather it’s what they’re _doing._

“Is this ok?” The roughness of Hajime-kun’s voice demolishes any of his earlier attempts at suppressing a shiver. And the fact that he bothered to ask out loud... Heisuke knows he must be smiling, despite not being entirely aware of which expressions are his own and which are mirrored from Hajime-kun.

“Yeah. It’s great actually.” An entire sentence. Hoarse and scraped raw, but all the words make it out in some sort of cohesive pattern.

He tries to count in his head each second Hajime-kun spends unbinding his hair and sliding his clothes off, but he loses count quickly when each newly uncovered area is showered with attention from insistent lips, and trailing fingers. Eventually, he realizes he can’t get over two. _One_ with the sharp inhale caused by fabric being pulled away, _two_ with the shuddering exhale coaxed out by kisses. Repeat.

It’s not until he feels the cloth of Hajime-kun’s yukata brushing against his chest that he realizes they’re in completely opposite states of dress. It’s not a bad feeling, clothes against his bare skin. But they won’t get very far like this. Hajime-kun wraps his arms around Heisuke and rolls them over. It’s an invitation for sure. _Go ahead._ It’s not like him to be hesitant, or move slowly. But he hasn’t exactly been himself lately, and besides that Hajime-kun deserves as much of his time as he can spare before the sun chases him back to his own room.

Either Hajime-kun ties really tight knots, or his hands are too overwhelmed to do as they’re asked. He slides down until he’s face to face with the opposing fabric. His hands may have been struggling, but his teeth tug the knot loose easily. There’s an odd sound from Hajime-kun that curls around his ears with encouragement. Sliding the yukata off isn’t difficult, Hajime-kun lifts and pulls along with him until they’re both completely naked.

It’s incredible.

There are so many things he wants to try, and so many thing he wants to let Hajime-kun try. They don’t have time for them all. He doesn’t even know if this is a one time thing, or a multiple time thing. Those questions can wait. Right now there is a fantastic set abs just waiting to be appreciated.

Heisuke mouths at the ridges formed by battled hardened muscle. There’s no one giant scar like Sano has, but there are a few faint white lines that remember what steel tastes like. Heisuke kisses each one of them. He doesn’t know where they came from. They belong to a past he was not a part of. They taste sweet with the sharing of stories anyway. A hand comes up to cup the back of his head, alternating between tugging at his hair and smoothing it out.

Heisuke blows on the dampness his kisses have left, and watches muscles jump under the chill of it. That’s apparently all Hajime-kun can take because he flips Heisuke onto his back once more. It’s fast, but gentle. His head spins a little anyway, although that probably has more to with the hands sliding along his ribs.

Hajime-kun’s hands are kind of rough from callouses. Heisuke doesn’t mind. It just makes it even more real, the slight scratch against his skin is a reminder. This is Hajime-kun, a man capable of killing. A man who’s taking such care with him that it marks something deeper than his bones.

Fingers splay over his stomach while the curve of his collar bones are traced with all different kinds of kisses. Fast, slow. Bruising, tender. Hajime-kun slides down to his sternum. His lips feel especially good against the skin there. So good that Heisuke digs his nails into Hajime-kun’s shoulders. The marks he leaves aren’t permanent, but each crescent shaped indent helps to spell out all of the gratitude that crumbles into choking dust when his mouth tries to sculpt it.

It doesn’t end with his sternum, Hajime-kun keeps moving down. Tongue and teeth licking and scraping away all of the fear and uncertainty, drawing security and conviction in their place. These are abstract ideas, but Hajime-kun’s tongue is very talented at painting their designs onto Heisuke’s flesh. He knows he will still be able to trace those shapes in the morning. It’s a lesson he will be able to return to time and time again.

It’s startling when he feels teeth nip at the back of his knee, even more surprising when he looks down and sees Hajime-kun staring up at him intently. It’s almost too much to handle. His arm covers his eyes, but the absence of sight makes it all the more intense. Breath brushes his calves with a healing that will help him stand up to face the morning when it comes. The hand cupping the back of his thigh is steady. There’s support there should he grow tired of the weight of the life he used to lead crashing down from the hollowness of its abandonment.

Hajime-kun likes to talk about things unchanged. Maybe they left the Shinsengumi, but they’ve kept all of the most important parts of it tucked into secret places where the Guardians can’t take them.

Fingers draw on his hips so lightly that he jerks at the tickling sensation laughing under his skin. The sudden movement causes him to almost knee Hajime-kun. But Hajime-kun’s reflexes are amazing, and Heisuke’s legs are pinned in half a second. If this were a fight he thinks he’d be losing.

That makes him laugh, and laughter is too noisy. He needs a quiet place to put it.

Pulling Hajime-kun up for another kiss is a nice solution. His tongue presses all that misplaced humor into Hajime-kun’s mouth where it’s swallowed easily. It’s not that he’s taking what they’re doing lightly. No way. This is special. This some sort of expression of trust, and comradery, and whatever else he’s probably too dense to realize. But he’d laughed because it’s all so simple with Hajime-kun. Every action is met with a reaction before thought can catch up and ruin it. He’s out running the regret of joining the Guardians, and he knows it won’t be able to keep up so long as his muscles are fed by Hajime-kun’s breath.

It would be easy to just lie here and take whatever Hajime-kun wants to give him. But he can’t. Not when his skin is stretched too tightly around the need to reciprocate.

It hadn’t been noticeable to Heisuke at first, the way being away from the Shinsengumi has affected Hajime-kun. They’d been too distant from each other for him to see it. Now it’s clearer. Heisuke drags his thumbs along the delicate skin under eyes that tiredness has sketched a slightly darker shade. He runs his fingers up and down Hajime-kun’s spine. There has definitely been a tension in Hajime-kun’s back. A rigidness designed to warn away the same men who have been harassing Heisuke. Neither of them are trusted.

Hajime-kun bares it with inflexible determination. Heisuke’s afraid he’ll break if he keeps it up.

That concern causes his fingers to press into the muscles of Hajime-kun’s back and draw lazy circles that trap memories of tension, and spin them away into relaxation. Hajime-kun sighs, and Heisuke sighs with him. Any little sound Hajime-kun makes just helps to insulate the room against _spy, traitor, can’t be trusted._ As nice as it is to be protected from that kind of gargling bitterness, something snags on the periphery of Heisuke’s senses.

It’s frustration. He _should_ have known that he wasn’t the only one who was being riddled with the ill effects of their toxic environment. He can feel knotted unease, and the seam between real skin and a mask beneath his fingers.

Hajime-kun needs a little help himself. He should have known. But there’s never enough time to make up for ‘should haves’. When they’re gone that’s it. You can drive yourself insane trying to grab back moments that no longer belong to you, or you can close that door and step into tomorrow.

Tomorrow is not where he wants to be, though. Not yet. Not when this moment is so perfect, and perfectly fragile.

Shoulders are a little too broad for his palms, but it’s close to a fit. They’re close. So close that every time his heart beats he thinks he hears an echo.

He has to kiss Hajime-kun again. That thought pierces the dizziness wrapped around his head with crystalline sharpness. Hajime-kun is more than happy to oblige. It’s funny how what starts off as his idea ends up being Hajime-kun’s. Or maybe it was always both of theirs. He can’t really tell anymore. Too many crossed lines, and crossed stars.

The kiss is gentler than he expected for as far into this as they are. He’d expected hot, and hard, and fast. Instead it’s soft, and reassuring. Flowing feelings into him that start to arrange themselves into words on his consciousness. Hajime-kun grazes Heisuke’s lower lip with his teeth as he pulls away. The contrast between skin and teeth jumps around his nerves. He might be shaking a bit. Shaking, but smiling.

Heisuke tries to get another kiss, but he doesn’t get far. Hands cup his face, holding him still. Ring fingers brush along his jaw in almost tender strokes. “Are you ok?”

Confusion doesn’t fit well among his current emotions. It bumps against them trying to make room for itself. He doesn’t remember giving any indication that he’s anything less than completely fine with what’s happening. But the question finds an earlier thought reverberating in his mind, _is this ok?_ Almost the same question, but not quite.

It’s not about the actions this time. It’s not whether Hajime-kun’s hand on his upper thigh bothers him, or if lips brushing that soft spot where his neck meets his shoulder is too overwhelming. It’s about him. And whether the ache in his chest is from things breaking apart or sewing themselves back together. Hajime-kun would let him back out now. He could grab his clothes, walk away, and have no resentment pinned to his back. But he won’t. He can’t leave himself, or Hajime-kun this way.

“I’m ok.” His voice shakes from stumbling along the loose gravel left by the other sounds he’s been making. “Are you?”

It’s the same question once again. It’s not new to tonight, but the direction of it is. And that seems to catch Hajime-kun off guard. Heisuke has always been a bit bothered by the way Hajime-kun seems to react to concern as if it is surprising. As if people caring about him is foreign. He would be sad for Hajime-kun, but he doesn’t get the chance. Not when something inside him is tugged into a smile along with the corners of those lips he’s been so fond of kissing.

“I am fine.” Three words that are deceivingly simple. So often they are used to bury other thoughts. Not now. Hajime-kun shapes each one with special care. He is ok. This is ok. They’re going to be ok.

“Then I’m happy, Hajime-kun.” And he is. Truly.

So happy that the only course of action he can take is to hold Hajime-kun as close to him as possible. Lungs move ribs against his, and he thinks their bones might lock together if they stay this way for too long. That wouldn’t be the worst thing that’s ever happened to him. The response is nice to.

Breathe fluttering quickly near his shoulder, and fingers grasping onto hips. The grip is solid and steady. Each finger pressing into him with equal pressure. It’s sort of like the way Hajime-kun grips his sword. Respectful fondness, and warmth. His palms are a bit sweaty, and Heisuke is pleased. Hajime-kun feels it too. Nerves, the desire to do everything, but not being sure of exactly how to accomplish that goal.

Seeing Hajime-kun a little left of certain is amusing, if not endearing. He knows he’s not any better, but let Hajime-kun see that. Let him see everything or nothing. It’s fine either way. He’ll leave everything in the open, Hajime-kun can take what he wants or just take a memory.

Heisuke kisses Hajime-kun’s neck without any sort of pattern. His organizational skills are lost somewhere in the empty fullness that presses on his mind. The skin under is lips is smooth and warm. Kisses become looser until they finally stumble into more tongue than anything else. Hajime-kun doesn’t seem to mind if the way his fingers begin clenching and unclenching is any hint.

He’ll probably have finger-shaped bruises on his hips tomorrow.

Heisuke works his way back up Hajime-kun’s throat, ending with a kiss to his chin. Hajime-kun tilts his head down trying to find his lips, but Heisuke pulls away quickly. Leaning back in to press his lips behind an ear. It’s not exactly a whine he hears, more just a breath sucked in so sharply that it almost whistles. Encouraging at any rate. Hajime-kun has always been a really great listener. Heisuke kisses his ear, so carefully, so gently. More air than pressure. Just when he sees eyes start to slip closed, he bites down.

The reaction gets he is a sudden jerk of the body on top of him, and a glare that’s missing its teeth.

His snickering is swallowed up by a kiss that burns all the way down to his toes. Hajime-kun is done playing around.

Hands slides below his hips, and pull their lower halves flush.

The sounds he makes are new to him. Odd. But Hajime-kun seems to appreciate them, following them to their source with his tongue until Heisuke can’t keep still.

There are so many sensations. Tugging, sweeping, tickling. He arches up and twists around on the futon trying to chase the feelings that slip around his skin without telling him their names. It’s too hard, and his squirming is making this more difficult for both of them. Creating a friction that stings them with a fresh urgency. His stomach flips when his shoulders are pressed back down. He’s not afraid, but anticipation has made his lungs lose count of the number of inhales and exhales in one minute. His hands tangle in Hajime-kun’s hair to keep from trembling.

Hands trace his muscles, leaving a kind of magnetism in their wake that draws him even closer to Hajime-kun.

His heart is racing. There’s an extra beating that resonates with his own. Back and forth, call and answer.

This is an experience he’s never had before, giving himself over so completely. It’s confusing at first, momentarily uncomfortable even. But Hajime-kun holds him. Gives him time to remember how to breathe, how to open his eyes. Everything around him is still distorted by shadows melted by the warmth the two of them radiate. Hajime-kun is clear though. In all of this, every inch of their skin that touches makes Heisuke’s nerves smile with recognition.

Their kisses are less accurate than when they started. Hajime-kun’s lips hit his temple, an eyebrow, the corner of his mouth. His own aim isn’t much better, falling on random places anywhere between Hajime-kun’s neck and chest. There’s the faintest taste of salt from sweat, but his sense of taste is demolished when Hajime-kun shifts slightly, causing his senses to scramble around until he thinks he can hear the flashes of affection that heat his skin. His nails scratch at Hajime-kun’s back. He tries to be gentle, really he does. The last thing he wants is to make this in anyway painful.

Heisuke takes Hajime-kun’s hands in his. It keeps him from scratching and Hajime-kun from bruising. Instead they just hold, hold, hold.

It’s a circle of sorts. No obvious beginning or end of any thought or feeling. There’s a power in that. Stopping time from moving them, forcing it cycling _through_ them instead. He wonders vaguely if Hajime-kun can feel it. His younger days, and days far from now. His first kill, and what will be his last. His first breath, and when he’ll cease to breathe. It wouldn’t surprise him. He thinks he’s gained all that information about Hajime-kun as well. But it’s not legible. Time’s script is foreign to him. Still, he’s holding that story in his hands, and that’s something. Something really precious.

They’re creating a page right now. Writing with gasps, embraces, and kisses. His ability for poetry has always been sorely lacking, but this sounds pretty beautiful to him. Especially as it builds and builds towards the end. Filling up every blank space with permanent ink. Scribbling over the loneliness that caused all the sleepless nights leading up to now.

Now when he feels himself drawn tight like a bowstring, the sentiment is taken up Hajime-kun’s muscles as well.

The snap of wonderful tension releasing comes at different moments.

It’s the fall back down to reality that is a perfect mirror. Heisuke can see his own relief reflected in Hajime-kun’s eyes. Hajime-kun’s contentment is worn by Heisuke’s muscles. They’re still sharing when his ears stop ringing, and he catches the breath that had left him in the dust.

Hajime-kun always comes through on his promises. This did help. Immensely. It feels so good to be sleepy. For his limbs to be heavy with comfortable exhaustion, and his mind doing nothing to stop it.

He probably shouldn’t fall asleep here. If he doesn’t wake early enough things will only get worse for the two of them. These thoughts should be concerning, but their threats don’t register. He’s staying. There’s nothing in him that wants to deprive himself of Hajime-kun curling around him like an extra blanket. He really is overly protective. But Heisuke won’t complain. He’ll hold his hand instead.

Hajime-kun’s got Heisuke’s back, and he’s got Hajime-kun’s left hand. The hand whose dominance had caused Hajime-kun so much grief is the one that had carved out the perfect place for him in the Shinsengumi. It’s the same hand that Heisuke has grown to admire the strength of.

“Can you sleep now?” The question is spoken into the back of his neck, the pattern of breathe catching in his hair.

“Yeah, thanks. You really helped me out.” It’s about way more than sleep, but some things have to be stuffed into tiny word sized boxes to make sense.

He’ll probably cling to Hajime-kun in his sleep, he does the same thing to pillows and blankets. He’s clung onto a sake jug once or twice according to Shinpachi. But Hajime-kun won’t mind. He knows enough about him, now more than ever. Part of Heisuke is still slightly confused about everything that just happened. How they got from his sleep problems to sharing something so raw that it will probably take him weeks to unpack all of things he’s been given to understand.

That’s alright. It’s a good project to have. One that will keep his mind off of the sneers, and venomous comments that drove him to this room in the first place.

Hajime-kun’s breathing is slowing down, and his begins to quiet it with it. He can’t stay here forever. Tomorrow is going to make demands of him like it always does. But a few hours of rest is well earned. It would be rude to get up and disturb Hajime-kun after all his generosity anyway.

His mind begins to drift towards familiarizing itself with sleep. The only images that play are the ones from tonight. It’s a welcomed change of pace.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

The morning finds the two of them wrap up in a mess of limbs and blankets. Sleep and him are a little too cozy, and crawling his way out of the warmth of it takes time. He has to find all of his body parts among the comfortable haze, and remind them to listen to what his brain tells them to do. He’d been right in his assumption that he would spend the night with his arms wrapped around Hajime-kun. The feeling of a waist under his arm is one of the first things he registers.

That waist, and those legs tangled around his jolt his mind with memories of the previous night. It definitely hadn’t been a dream. Not with how reality is painted on his skin, and his muscles hum with a pleasant relaxation that had been absent for weeks.

His eyes are reluctant to open, but yield to necessity after a few moments. The sun isn’t up yet, but Hajime-kun is. It’s strange to wake up to someone watching you. But maybe not as strange as he would have thought. Actually, it’s sort of nice. To know someone has been watching over you. It’s not precisely safe here, and he appreciates the hours in which he was allowed to stop watching his back. But now he really has to go. Some of the others are pretty early risers, and it will get really messy if he’s not out of here by the time the sun gathers the strength to pull itself back into the sky.

That doesn’t make it any easier to start untangling himself from Hajime-kun. “I better get going.”

Climbing out from under the blankets smacks him with surprising cold. It had been easy to forget his lack of clothing with the warmth of their shared body heat. Speaking of clothes, it’s amusing how far away from the futon his yukata ended up. He doesn’t remember Hajime-kun throwing it that far, but he hadn’t exactly been paying much attention.

Slipping it back on and knotting the tie feels a little strange. Like suddenly the fabric isn’t covering much of anything. Not that he really minds that feeling in this room, but stepping outside will probably feel awkward as hell.

He’s about to tie his hair back up when a hand snags in it. “Heisuke.”

Spinning around brings him face to face with Hajime-kun, who is fully clothed. That’s pretty impressive. It makes Heisuke wonder whether Hajime-kun is that quick, or he’s still out of it.

“I wouldn’t suggest you go out there like this.” Like what?

The hand in his hair pulls again, sliding right into a knot that nearly makes him yelp. But Hajime-kun is right. One look at his hair would raise some really unwelcome questions, and bait snide remarks. Although, of all the things the other Guardians have thought of him those thoughts probably would be relatively harmless. Still, it’s something he’s not willing to chance. Not when it involves more than just him.

“Yeah, you’re right. Do you have a comb or anything?” It will take forever if he has to separate each knot by hand. They don’t really have that kind of time.

Hajime-kun nods, shifting through his belongings until he pulls out a small comb.

Heisuke reaches out to take it, but his hand is knocked away. “Sit down.”

He’s well past the point of questioning him, and the words push him onto his knees. Hajime-kun kneels behind him, and goes to work untangling his hair.

This is something nobody has done for him since his mother. But these hands in his hair are just as soothing. Soothing in the way they take care to unknot snags without yanking or causing pain. Comforting in how fingers trailing against his skull between comb strokes echo the tenderness they held him with last night.

It’s enough that he has to fight to keep his eyes open. There’s no time left for sleeping.

He has a few guesses as to why Hajime-kun insisted on being the one to do this. But he won’t ask. It seems rude to drag something like that into the open. Hajime-kun scares him a bit with his insistence that he is a tool, a sword. He is person. A really kind one at that. So Heisuke will leave those very human sentiments where they belong. Inside of Hajime-kun.

His hair is pulled up into a perfect replica of the ponytail he usually wears. Truthfully, it’s probably a bit straighter than normal, seeing as he can’t see the back of his own head and never bothers to use a mirror.

“Thank you.” It doesn’t sound like enough. He would repeat it a few more times, but that wouldn’t do it either. So he smiles instead. Completely open and honest. He wants Hajime-kun to see that he’s leaving this room better than he came in.

“There’s no need to thank me.” Hajime-kun never expects a thank you from anyone. But he deserves so much more than that.

That’s why Heisuke hugs him.

Not quite with the burning intimacy they had shared, but with all of the happiness he has felt over the course of their friendship. Because that has been around for a long long time, and now he’s been provided enough confidence to express it physically.

It’s easy to forget that hugging takes practice, and daytime seems to make Hajime-kun a little less talented at it. He’s surprised, arms a bit stiff when they wrap around Heisuke. But he’s trying. And that’s wonderful. Heisuke wouldn’t mind staying like this a while longer, but he finds himself turned towards the door with a gentle shove.

“Go.” The tiny smile belies the curtness of the word.

Leaving is hard, not looking back is harder. But the trip back to his room isn’t filled with dread the way he’d anticipated. Everything hurts a little bit less. He still doesn’t have answers. Those aren’t something anyone else can give to him. He’ll find them himself.

He’s still got Hajime-kun’s clarity bouncing around his body, and calming his mind. That’s something he won’t let go to waste. There still isn’t any joy in the thought of working among these strangers, but the painful loneliness isn’t clouding his judgement anymore.

That doesn’t mean he’ll stay here. But if he leaves he won’t be running.

**Author's Note:**

> I have wanted to write Heisuke/Saitou for so long now, and it felt fantastic to finally get to write this.
> 
> Ever since I read Cal's Heisuke/Saitou fic, I have been really interested in this relationship and the unique dynamic of it. 
> 
> Also, my Heisuke problem is really obvious, and after not writing him for a while I go over 10k on this. XD


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